In article ,
"R. Steve Walz" wrote:

When one of my children was clearly getting out of control, I handled it
differently: I TOLD her that her behavior had cost her her privacy
rights, and that I would search her room or listen in on her phone calls
at my discretion.

I did not want to prevent her from ever using the phone -- she did have
some friends who were good for her -- but continuing to eavesdrop from
time to time kept me aware of what she was doing.
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People who dishonor their children that way GET dishonored BY their
children. A friend of mine who hated her father used to plant things
in her father's sock drawer for her mother to find, receipts carefully
altered, porno, etc. Those who **** with their kids are destined to be
****ed BY their kids.
Steve

Steve, I started out honoring her: I had to change my ways when she
started DIShonoring me (and herself) and doing things that were
dangerous. I did what I felt I had to do to keep her alive -- and that
is NOT an exageration. It turned out she was severely depressed, but
adolescent depression manifests in odd ways, which I did not recognize:
in her case, it was mostly phenominal anger along with acting out.

And I think violating their privacy OPENLY does honor them -- you tell
them what you are doing, and why, and don't hide it. Sneaking is
dishonorable, but I never did that.

FWIW, it worked: I managed to keep her out of several really dangerous
situations, and eventually, the depression was diagnosed and
appropriately treated. She's almost 19 now, not anxious to move out,
going to college, and just came in, told me I looked wonderful, gave me
a kiss on the cheek, agreed to drop me off later today (so DH and I
wouldn't be somewhere with two cars; as a side benefit, it means she
gets to use MY car for the rest of the day), and stayed for a short chat
with me (and her boyfriend) before the two of them went back to her room.

I think our relationship is good.

I know you think your kids never got into serious trouble because you
are such a wonderful parent. It's a lovely theory. But at some point,
other things influence your kids as well -- and when things start to go
badly, you sometimes need different tools.

I remember one conversation with this particular daughter, where I said
that, in spite of everything, I thought I'd been a pretty good parent.
She said, "In spite of WHAT?" I didn't want to be insulting -- I mean,
what could I say? After a moment, I said, "In spite of the fact that
my kid's lives are not exactly what I'd dreamed they'd be." She put her
hands on her hips and said, "Well! YOUR job isn't to dream for us.
YOUR job is to just keep us alive until we grow up enough to have our
OWN dreams."

I figure as long as a teenager can put me in my appropriate place like
that, I've done a pretty good job of parenting. Not perfect, Lord
knows, but pretty good.
--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care