GOVERNMENTIUM

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery
of the heaviest chemical yet known to science. This new element
has been tentatively named "Governmentium".

Governmentium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy
neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic
mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons,
which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton like particles
called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it
can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes
into contact.

A tiny amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over
four days to complete when it would normally take less than a
second.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of four years; it does not
decay but instead, it undergoes a reorganization in which a
portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange
places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time
since each reorganization will cause more morons to become
neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to
speculate that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a
certain quantity in concentration. This hypocritical quantity is
referred to as "Critical Morass." You will know it when you see it.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium,
an element which radiates just as much energy since it has half
as many peons but twice as many morons.

- from ANS, Anonymous News Service, 17 September