Washington, D.C.:

In an early morning press conference today, President Bush announced
plans to seek MLB sanctions against the San Francisco Giants in order
to prevent another airplane from crashing into a building.

Almost immediately critics argued that it was a New York Yankee at the
controls of the plane, not a San Francisco Giant.

When asked why he is demanding pre-emptive measures against the team,
Bush purported that the intelligence community has "hard evidence that
at least one San Francisco player has a pilot license," and that such
a crash in the future is "...imminent. It's a slam-dunk."

Secretary of State Rice also responded to the critics by saying, "We
can't wait until our fears are confirmed in the shadow of a mushroom
cloud. It's important that we remain vigilant against this new
threat."

White House Press Secretary Tony Snow responded to reporters questions
after yesterday's crash, stating that Vice-President Cheney was moved
to an undisclosded "secure location".

When asked if the Secret Service if the Secret Service was "stretched
too thin" to protect the President, he affirmed that he had "no reason
to believe they are busy doing anything else", seemingly unaware of
last night's incident in Texas where a standoff occured between the
Secret Service and a madman that was holed up in the Texas Ranger's
dugout with a shotgun.

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi of San Francisco held a press
conference shortly after President Bush's announcement, alleging that
his plan is a "fear-and-smear" tactic to gain Republican support just
prior to the mid-term elections.

Presidential hopefull Senator John McCain was unavailable for comment,
although a press release from his office claims that the crash was
"all Clinton's fault".

Also unavailable for comment was House Speaker Dennis Hastert. Media
members outside his home in Illinois report someone yelling out his
window, "I didn't know anything! I won't resign!"