Most of these tactics are also utilized by the most prolific babblers
in this newsgroup - dxAce, RHF, D Peter Maus, telemon immediately come
to mind.

By Nate Patrin

1: Never, EVER admit mistakes, no matter how glaring.

2: Avoid opposing viewpoints as much as humanly possible, especially
if you don't have the slightest idea how to counteract them without
babbling and spewing insults.

3: Blame the media for everything- except your popularity (and the
occasional laudatory press from the likes of U.S. News).

4: Never, never ever EVER give your opposition any credit for
ANYTHING, no matter how good, kind and competent they are. If Mother
Theresa joins the Clinton staff, slam her like there's no tomorrow.

5: The only thing that deserves to be recycled is a joke.

6: Read as many newspapers as you can before a show, not to catch up
on the news but to find pieces of "liberal bias" that you can
automatically challenge without thinking.

7: Be as tasteless and tactless as possible. Tastelessness = bad press
= support from dittoheads = big ego boost.

8: When you can't find any substantial basis for attacking your
opponents, question their sanity, appearance, sexual lifestyle, etc.

9: Try to get plugged by celebrities, including Charles Barkley,
George Brett and Charlton Heston.

10: Act as shocked, disgusted and offended as you possibly can when
your opponents use the same tactics as you. Have a fit if they use
them better.

11: Contradict yourself often, just to see if they're listening.

12: Accuse anybody who disagrees with you of being a "liberal". This
is known as the "McCarthy Principle".

13: Despite the fact that it's a part of your agenda, racism is no
longer acceptable and must be used as subtly as possible.

14: Support ANYTHING the G.O.P. does, no matter how stupid. If the
G.O.P. actually did something so stupid that you can't possibly
support it, say it didn't happen.

15: Jumping to conclusions is your best bet in a tough situation. If
you can't find a reason for some bad occurrence, blame Clinton.

16: Bad things that happen to people are only funny if they don't
happen to (a) Americans, (b) Conservatives or (c) you.

17: Create as many catchphrases, buzzwords and cliches as you can
stand.

AND THE MOST IMPORTANT RULE OF ALL:
18: Pass off opinions as truths.