This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Department
of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan. This guy's response is
hilarious, but read the State's letter before you get to the response
letter.
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SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023;T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that
there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel
of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or
contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet
stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this
type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no such
permits have been issued.

Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation
of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and
Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being
sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially
failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream
locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and
cannot be permitted.

The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at
this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by
removing all wood and brush, forming the dams, from the stream channel. All
restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, of next year.

Please notify this office, when the restoration has been completed so that a
follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff.
Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on
the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement
action.

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.
Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

David L. Price District Representative Land and Water Management Division
State of Michigan
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** This is the actual response sent back: **

DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to. I
am the legal landowner, but not the Contractor at
2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. A couple of beavers are in the (State
unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams
across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.

While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think
they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures
building materials, debris.

I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam
project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state
there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam
resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam
determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must
first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate against
my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this
State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the
Freedom of Information Act, I hereby respectfully request completed copies
of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued.
Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland
Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act,
Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of
the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several other concerns. My first concern is... aren't the beavers
entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially
destitute and are unable to pay for said representation, so the State will
have to provide them with a dam lawyer.

The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed
during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural
occurrence, which the Department is required to protect.

In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than
harassing them and calling their dam, names. If you want the stream
"restored" to a dam free-flow condition, please contact the beavers, but if
you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to
your dam letter... they being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build the
unauthorized dams, as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water
flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy
Spring Pond.

If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up
to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) as well as
the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred
for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2003?

The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no
way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring your attention to a real environmental
quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears!
Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should
be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone.

If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step!
(The bears are not careful where they dump!) Being unable to comply with
your dam request, and being unable to contact you, on your dam answering
machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

Thank You,

Ryan DeVries & The Dam Beavers