THE THIRTEEN COMMANDMENTS OF FLAMING:

Flames should be witty, insulting, interesting, funny, caustic, or
sarcastic, but NEVER, EVER, should they be boring. The Thirteen
Commandments of Flaming

1. Make things up about your opponent: It's important to make your
lies sound true. Preface your argument with the word "clearly."
"Clearly, Fred Flooney is a liar, and a dirtball to boot."

2. Be an armchair psychologist: You're a smart person. You've heard of
Freud. You took a psychology course in college. Clearly, you're
qualified to psychoanalyze your opponent. "Polly Purebred, by using
the word 'zucchini' in her posting, shows she has a bad case of penis
envy."

3. Cross-post your flames: Everyone on the net is just waiting for the
next literary masterpiece to leave your terminal! From the AppleII
RoundTable to X-10 Powerhouse RoundTable, they're all holding their
breath until your next flame. Therefore, post everywhere.

4. Conspiracies abound: If everyone's against you, the reason can't
*possibly* be that you're an obnoxious sh??head. There's obviously a
conspiracy against you, and you will be doing the entire net a favor
by exposing it.

5. Lawsuit threats: This is the reverse of Rule #4 (sort of like the
Yin & Yang of Flaming). Threatening a lawsuit is always considered to
be in good form. "By saying that I've posted to the wrong group,
Bertha has libeled me, slandered me, and sodomized me. See you in
court, Bertha."

6. Force them to document their claims: Even if Harry Hoinkus states
outright that he likes tomato sauce on his pasta, you should demand
documentation. If Newsweek hasn't written an article on Harry's pasta
preferences, then Harry's obviously lying.

7. Use foreign phrases: French is good, but Latin is the lingua franca
of flaming. You should use the words "ad hominem" at least three times
per article. Other favorite Latin phrases are "ad nauseum," "veni,
vidi, vici," and "fetuccini alfredo."

8. Tell 'em how smart you a Why use intelligent arguments to
convince them you're smart when all you have to do is tell them? State
that you're a member of Mensa, or Mega, or Dorks of America. Tell them
the scores you received on every exam since high school. "I got an 800
on my SATs, LSATs, GREs, MCATs, and I can also spell the word
'premeiotic' ." Stick a bunch of impressive initials on your sig, and
make that sig at least 10 lines long, to show people how Really
Powerful you are. Loudly point out their spelling errors.

9. Accuse your opponent of censorship. It is your right as an American
citizen to post whatever the hell you want to the net (as guaranteed
by the 37th Amendment, I think). Anyone who tries to limit your
cross-posting or move a flame war to email is either a communist, a
fascist, or both.

10. Doubt their existence: You've never actually seen your opponent,
have you? And since you're the Center Of The Universe and Chief
Net-Cop, you should have seen them by now, shouldn't you? Therefore,
THEY DON'T EXIST! This is the beauty of flamers' logic.

11. Lie, cheat, steal, leave the toilet seat up. Who cares! You're
probably a fat, pimply-faced, manipulative computer-nerd with no
social skills, and your opponent is worse. Besides, if you were
getting laid at all by anything other than the cheap hookers down the
street, you wouldn't be flaming anyway.

12. When in doubt, insult: If you forget the other 12 rules, remember
this one. At some point during your wonderful career as a Flamer you
will undoubtedly end up in a flame war with someone who is better than
you. This person will expose your lies, tear apart your arguments,
make you look generally like a bozo. At this point, there's only one
thing to do: INSULT THE DIRTBAG!!! "Oh yeah? Well, your mother does
strange things with vegetables."

13. Last, but not least, threaten to tell their sysadmin or postmaster
all about them. You can always hope that they are newbie enough to
feel threatened by this, unless they had a younger brother or sister
who was always tattling to Mommy.

EXAMPLE...for the Rookie Flamer

Dear Fred,

I object to your use of the word "dear." It shows you are a
condescending, sexist pig. Also, the submissive tone you use shows
that you like to be tied down and flagellated with licorice whips.

While I found your article "The Effect of Belly-Button Lint on
Western Thought" to be extremely thought-provoking,

"Thought-provoking?" I had no idea you could think, you rotting piece
of swamp slime.

it really shouldn't have been posted in rec.scuba.

Your attempts constitute nothing less than censorship. There is a
conspiracy against me. You, Riff Raff, and Simon Sinister have been
constantly harassing me by email. This was an ad hominem attack! I
have therefore cross-posted this to alt.flame, rec.nude,
comp.graphics, and rec.arts.wobegon. I have also copied this whole
correspondence to your sysadmin/postmaster, so he can delete your
account.

Perhaps you should have posted it in misc.misc.

It is my right, as granted in the Bill of Rights, the Magna Carta, the
Bible and the Koran, to post where ever I want to. Or don't you
believe in those documents, you damn fascist? Perhaps if you didn't
spend so much time sacrificing virgins and infants to Satan, you would
have realized this.

Your article would be much more appropriate there.

Can you document this? I will only accept documents notarized by my
attorney, and signed by you in blood. Besides, you don't really exist
anyway, you AI project, you.

At all times, remember what the original meanings of the word "flamer"
we 1) a loud, obnoxiously gay man, and 2) a person who lights their
farts for amusement.

"Ham Guy" wrote in message
...
THE THIRTEEN COMMANDMENTS OF FLAMING:

Flames should be witty, insulting, interesting, funny, caustic, or
sarcastic, but NEVER, EVER, should they be boring.

Well it looks like every one of the flamers here needs to hang it up then...

None of them get past rule one.

Charles, N5PVL

Ham Guy wrote in part:

THE THIRTEEN COMMANDMENTS OF FLAMING:

Flames should be witty, insulting, interesting, funny, caustic, or
sarcastic, but NEVER, EVER, should they be boring. The Thirteen
Commandments of Flaming



You forgot HITLER!


--
It Came From C. L. Smith's Unclaimed Mysteries.
http://www.unclaimedmysteries.net

T. Boozer wrote in rolltidefan.net: "That dude that took the picture,
Corry Smith, is a bigtime aubie. Notice he named the pic
'BRIANDENNEHYstadium' Screw him!"