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Old October 10th 03, 11:00 AM
 
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Default "They're there when they need you."

The Complete Military History of France

- Gallic Wars
- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French
history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

- Hundred Years War
- Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently
creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious
only when not led by a Frenchman." Sainted.

- Italian Wars
- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when
fighting Italians.

- Wars of Religion
- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

- Thirty Years War
- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded
anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants
started ignoring her.

- War of Revolution
- Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

- The Dutch War
- Tied

- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War
- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded
Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French
military power.

- War of the Spanish Succession
- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough,
which they have loved every since.

- American Revolution
- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France
claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is
later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French
Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

- French Revolution
- Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

- The Napoleonic Wars
- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of
a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

- The Franco-Prussian War
- Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl
home alone on a Saturday night.

- World War I
- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States.
Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a
winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of
condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French
bloodline.

- World War II
- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as
they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

- War in Indochina
- Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

- Algerian Rebellion
- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim
force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We
can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of
the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and
Esquimaux.

- War on Terrorism
- France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and
Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail
after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not
be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France
collapses?"

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an
accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."

Or, better still, the quote from last week's Wall Street Journal: "They're
there when they need you."




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