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December 19th 03, 12:46 AM

"Electromatic" wrote in
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NOTICE TO ALL VISITORS

NOTICE TO ALL VISITORS (KEYCLOWN VERSION)

WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO WITNESS IS AN OUTLAW CB RADIO STATION (i.e.
KEYCLOWN) UNLICENSED AND IN COMPLETE VIOLATION OF REGULATIONS OF THE
FEDERAL COMMUNICATIONS COMMISSION IN WASHINGTON, DC. BEFORE YOU ASK
THE QUESTION, YES IT IS AGAINST THE LAW BUT I HAVE SOME GREAT EXCUSES.
HERE ARE SOME OTHER ANSWERS:

The total cost of this equipment cannot be discussed here as it is
stolen, illegal, bootleg, etc.

Keyclowns as a rule cannot have sex with heterosexual women. If you
are interested in this hobby we suggest you give homosexuality, anal
sex, buggery, etc. a try.

This is stuff we bought from other outlaw radio dudes so don't ask us
details of how it all works; also we do not have the knowledge to fool
around with TV sets, radios or hi-fi. We suggest that you call Radio
Shack cuz they got answers.

Yes, that rusty metal pole leaning over in the backyard really is the
antenna and I got the SWRs to prove it but I am hoping to get one of
them new 4 foot exterminators cuz I heard the shiny coil makes you so
much louder.

The farthest station we have contacted has been just east of Milwaukee
or so he said, we dont really know, see, because there is no way to
confirm who anybody is cuz this is illegal outlaw radio, doncha know.

It is very likely that this station's equipment will interfere with
television reception, telephones and stereo systems. If it does then
tough titty. Interference problems of that nature are normally caused
by design flaws in my linear (pronounced LEENYAR) and I aint givin it
up no matter what you say so dont even bother complaining.

An outlaw CB radio station like this is usually operated by an
unqualified, technically inept fool like me. It takes no dedication,
training or intelligence whatsoever to yell AUDIIIOOOOO or HELLLO
SKIPLAND and sound like you are in the bottom of a trash can.
Therefore, it is considered appropriate to offer beer, glue, smack, or
crack cocaine to the operator (me).

FURTHERMORE. . . IF YOU ARE GRANTED THE EXTREME HONOR OF BEING INVITED
TO SPEAK INTO THE MICROPHONE, PLEASE OBSERVE THE FOLLOWING RULES:

Speak in a southern accent, like an ignorant hillbilly, a drunk, or a
hip hop gangsta.

Use profanity as much as possible.

Loudly accuse people of "being on your channel" and threaten to "come
kick their ass".

Repeat one or more of these phrases: DONCHA KNOW, RIGHT BACK ATCHA,
WORLDWIDE, MERCY ME, TAN FER THAR, HALLOO AUDIOOO.

DO NOT TOUCH ANYTHING, TURN ANY KNOBS, SIT ON EQUIPMENT, ETC. I HAVE
LOST MANY THOUSANDS OF BRAIN CELLS BY RF AND ELECTROCUTION IN THE PAST
FEW WEEKS.

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