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BBC News Parody
The following parody of a BBC news interviewer appeared in today's San
Francisco Chronicle. I gotta chuckle out of it... --------------------------------------------------------------------- By Jon Carroll, San Francisco Chronicle columnist Tuesday, December 21, 2004 One of my favorite daytime occupations is listening to the BBC News on the radio. There's an hourlong broadcast at 2 p.m. on KALW, which is precisely the time I tend to be dashing about picking up dry cleaning and grandchildren and oven cleaner, so it's a perfect contrast. Often the BBC World News hour features someone named Leeze Ducette, whose name is probably not spelled like that, who conducts plausibly live interviews with some of the world's more obscure yet interesting leaders. The BBC style of interviewing is very different from the NPR style; there's a lot less sucking up, and a lot more veiled allegations under the thinnest veneer of civilized discourse. I have constructed an entirely imaginary interview between a BBC newsreader and a world leader, just to give you a flavor: Newsreader: On the phone now is Dr. Salawi Awambi, the president of the former Soviet Republic of Jiktawistan. Thank you for coming on the program, Dr. Awambi. Awambi: Yes, of course. Newsreader: As your country faces its first democratic election in 170 years, some people are saying that the polling places are just not equipped to handle the challenge. Awambi: Yes, we have infrastructure challenges. We are a poor country. But we are working very hard, very hard, and I guarantee you that every vote will be counted and recounted. Newsreader: So there's no truth to the allegation that thugs hired by you are roaming the streets of provincial towns threatening shopkeepers. Awambi: Oh, now, you hear those things. We have all heard these things. Of course, we must maintain law and order. The safety of our poor nation is always at risk. But everyone is free to vote. Women are free to vote for the first time. Newsreader: Some people are saying that you have locked up 150 activist women for doing just what you are saying, for encouraging women to vote. Awambi: These are slanders. We have locked up perhaps 12 or 20 women. We believe they were terrorists. In our poor country we have a great problem with terrorists. Our recent and lamentable civil war ... Newsreader: A civil war that installed you as dictator. Awambi: Only until the elections. Newsreader: Which have been postponed five times. Some people are saying that you have accumulated a vast fortune by looting the state treasure and that you have 105 limousines ... Awambi: Merely 88, all of them used for ... Newsreader: ... and a harem of 1,001 concubines and daily ferret fighting in the town square. How would you answer those people, President Awambi? Awambi: There is much racism in your country. There is much feeling against the ancient religion of Mombwi. I feel ... Newsreader: Isn't it true, Dr. Awambi, that you created the so-called ancient religion of Mombwi in 1997, and have used it funnel billions of tax- free dollars to offshore bank ... Awambi: Your nation persecuted Gandhi, in case you have forgotten. Your nation stole the Suez Canal. Your nation failed to stop Hitler. We do not need lectures from your nation. Newsreader: Be that as it may, Dr. Awambi, some people are saying that you strangled one hundred bunny rabbits with your bare hands. How do you answer those people? Awambi: The lapin, as you say, is a delicacy among my people. We are a poor country; if we must eat the bunny, we will eat the bunny. Newsreader: Dr. Awambi, there are charges that you wore a ball gown and danced to recordings of the Benny Goodman Orchestra while members of your family chanted "He is God, he is God, he will give us a million more." How would you answer those people? Awambi: We do not have the infrastructure. We are fighting terrorism. Our nation is a poor nation. Newsreader: Dr. Awambi, thank you for taking the time to speak with us today. Awambi: Oh, but thank you. Newsreader: Perhaps we will speak again. Awambi: I will constantly pray for your continued protection against disfiguring dioxins. Copyright ©2004 San Francisco Chronicle |
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