In the wake of the blackout that left the NE part of the US in the dark,
I thought I would create a survival kit that would help to ensure a calming
of the spirit even in the most troubling times.
The following items should be gathered in short order and kept in a
centralized location in your house for easy access during an emergency.
Remember, these items should be kept in the basement because in the event of
a poison gas attack the effluvium that ensues will settle in low lying
areas.
The list is as follows:

1.)High heals
2.)Mascara
3.)Wine (1 case) expensive french stuff 1992 vintage
4.)The "Blame George W. Bush et. al. Guide" vols. 1-6
5.)Matches
6.)Bong and rolling papers
7.)Weed -- Northern Lights variety
8.)Portable CD player & batteries
9.)Dr. Phil daily affirmation cd collection
10.)Beret
11.)Yoga mat
12.)A.C.L.U. membership card
13.)N.O.W. membership car
14.)N.A.A.C.P. membership card
15.)PETA membership card
16.)E.L.F. membership card
17.)Copy of "The Communist Manifesto"
18.)Feather Boa
19.)Leather chaps
20.)Copy of "Anarchists Guide to Removing Ten Commandments Plaques
from Courthouses Field Guide"
21.)Pornography (Note: the internet may be down for some time.)
22.)Morning after pills (Note: abortion clinics may be closed)
23.)Granola
24.)Copy of "Wizdum: a thinkers guide to . . . I forget" by Fred
Durst
25.)A.N.S.W.E.R membership card
26.)Rainbow P.U.S.H. membership card
27.)Caviar (ikra for the ruskie reds out there)
28.)Saddam Hussein portrait
29.)Jimmy Carter secret decoder ring
30.)Joseph Stalin tee-shirt
31.)Madelyn Albright pinup poster circa 1995
32.)"What did he know and when did he know it!" mug
33.)Hammer
34.)Sickle
35.)Kim Jong Il bobble head
36.)Rowing machine
37.)Chinese-English dictionary (in case things go your way)
38.)Arab-English dictionary (in case things go your way)
39.)Pretty red flag w/ 1 big yellow star encircled on the right side
by four smaller yellow stars
40.)Toy poodle

By gathering these items you will have taken the first step in ensuring
compfort during the most trying of times. As we all know BUSH COULD TURN
THE LIGHTS OFF AGAIN AT ANY TIME! I heard that in the last year that the
administration had a swithchboard installed at the Crawford ranch which
allows MR. BUSH to turn the power grid on and off whenever he wants in case
he needs to cause a national emergency. The framework for this diabolical
plan was was lain out in December by a secret society called the Skulls in a
briefing titled "King George Jong W. Bush Il forever may he reign in
benevolent peace and mercy." The author of the report was a man known as
BUB. The plan came to fruition with the help of volunteers from the
recently established Ameri-Corps set up by the bush administration. There
are three main power grids in the U.S. They are the N.E., Pacific, and Texas
grids. The original plan called for the N.E. grid and the pacific grids to
be turned off 42 minutes apart and to leave the texas grid up and running.
The problem occured when Carl Rove, who doesn't know how to keep his greasy
deep fried fingers away from the money pot, decided to set up a fund raiser
in Schwartzafornia (AKA- California). So only the N.E. grid was shut down.
This completes the story of how President selected not elected Bush controls
the universe. So panic and head on out to fith avenue to put together you
survival kit, before it's too late. Thus quoth the scripture, "and behold,
I saw a pail horse, and his name was death. And upon his back clad in white
sheets and noose in hand was the general from a great civil war, Robert
Bird." Of course I'm paraphrasing, but you still need to be afraid. A time
of great peril and tribulation is upon us. By the way what do you guys
think fo the Sangean ATS-909?